Crossroads: 

I remember the day that I decided to move out of my parents home and leave California. It was Christmas Day,  a warm 80 degrees, Christmas music playing and they were spreading fake snow in Venice Beach so the kids could play in it. Something in my head just snapped and right there in a dramatic and spontaneous move I said I had it, I'm out, I'm moving to NYC.

It took about five months to get things together, money, packing and finding a place to live. All of which was no easy task since I was very naive when it came to normal everyday stuff, like life, bills, you name it, I was pretty green. I mean I had traveled all over the world with my parents, but that was in a bubble and not really in the real world.

When the day came that I was heading out on my big adventure, there was nothing but silence. It seemed like things were going in slow motion. There were no words being said, no one was looking at one another  and the city was particularly very quiet.  My Mother and Father both decided to take me to LAX, which unlike in the past only one of them would do, take me to the drop off point and screech out leaving this huge puff of smoke behind them and slowly losing sight of me in their rearview mirror.

This time they actually parked the car, walked in the airport with me to get me all settled and even walked to the gate with me, back then you could go to the gate. We all sat there, small talks were going on between my mother and father. While I was thinking about the adventure that I was going to start. The unknown which was very common occurrence in my life since we moved around a lot, was about to happen again. But this time it was on my own and there would be no one to bail me out, or help me navigate the rest of this journey.

They called my flight and we all just sat there looking at each other. My father would always wait to get in line at the very end, cause he hated to sit there waiting for everyone to get settled. So I did the same just sat there and waited till the end of the line appeared. 

We all stood up and I was about to say my goodbyes thinking that they would head out soon after that but they walked to the line with me. At this point I'm thinking the world is going to end because they had already surpassed the normal way that they react to most of my situations. So there were are in line slowly getting to the entrance of the plane.

As we get closer the gate to show my boarding pass and my father looks at me and asks, what kind of a life do you want to have, a rollercoaster or a merry go around? A line that had come up in a movie we all saw together a few weeks before. I smiled and said, well a rollercoaster of course. We all laughed and I was out.

Who knew that one question and my funny little answer would shape the next thirty four years of my life. So many highs, lows, up, downs and twist and turns, it never ever seemed to stop, even to this day. Because here I am again faced with not only a low in life and down for the moment, I am once again probably for the fifth or sixth time or even more for that matter, I've come to a crossroad..

I've lost count on how many times I reinvented myself, how many times I saved myself from total annihilation. Only to come up from the fire like the phoenix being reborn. But I fear this time it's going to be so much harder, that I might actually lose this battle.  

My journey is just beginning, yes I'm afraid, in shock of it all. I want to reach out to people, have a chat a coffee, I can afford a coffee, but it's interesting how much you find out ones true mettle is when you're down and out, broke or jobless, even when you get really ill. You find out who's really there for you. That list gets very, very , very short sad to say. But the one sure thing is that you will learn who you are in this journey and you will fight to rise like the phoenix and wake up a whole new you. 

HRH

He asked me to marry him for a green card and I said no. Him thinking since we had something a very long time ago I would just say yes and it would be that easy. Well it wasn’t and it isn’t.

A tiny back story to let you know where I’m coming from and most of all to let you know that I’m not so heartless as I seem to be. 

We have known each other for many years, we did many things together. He’s a photographer so I modeled for him many times and I did many videos and parties with him and it was such great time and I wouldn’t changed anything. 

Then this fateful night while were out a party we got bit blitzed, I loved being with him, we had such rock -n-roll times together. 

So I don’t know what it was that night about him, could of been the drinking and the way we were dancing together or the way he was making me laugh that I saw him differently. He was so much lighter and so so much happier.  

But as it goes, I decided it was time for me to head out and go home. I motioned him off the dance floor and said that I was going to go home, we kissed goodbye like we always have done in the past but this time it was electric, I felt this energy from my lips to tips of my toes and went right back again to my lips.

We pushed away and looked at each other kinda stunned at what just happened, eyes not really focused, felt like we both got  hit with a rock on the corner of our brow. I finally took a breath and started to leave. I think took about four steps max and I stopped and turned around and he was still there in the same place leaning against the banister with his head facing downward. I turned around and started walking back to him. 

I placed my feet right where he could see them , slowly he looked up to see me standing there, he smiled and without a single word I kissed him again. This time longer and deeper than before. Then I left a second time, for good.

We worked together in the east village in a cafe like all artist did in the day until they got their  big break so they can get out of that business.  I worked days and he managed the night shifts, so we barely ever worked together and we pretty much saw about 5 min max between shifts. 

I t had been a couple of days since we saw each other or even spoke but that was common for us so I didn’t put much stock into it. So when walked in for his shift he looked like he really wanted to chat. So I lingered a bit till he got his bearings and went up to him and said hi.

He didn’t hesitate, he blurted out, “We Can’t See Each Other”, I said okay, why? Well he said, we work together and it could get messy for us. How so I said, I’m mean we never work together and we probably spend less than five minutes saying hello goodbye in the same breath and I’m out.

Well, he was adamant about us not starting up something, so I said okay. I mean of course he got scared, had buyers remorse. Thought about the fact he couldn’t have sex with anyone else or maybe I wasn’t enough or maybe too much. To be fare I’ve had guys think I was too much, so of course I went there blaming myself for his reluctance to date me.

So in one big dust devil we started and it ended just that fast. We still hung out together for years after that and we still worked together and went out dancing, did crazy things that are only meant to be seen on the big screen or read about it in social media videos and a really good book someday.

So you see , coming at me all those years later, in a restaurant no less and blurting out let’s get married, which I think is cop out, who asks a girl in a fully loaded restaurant to marry them, you almost can’t say no, right! Well I didn’t say yes or no, but I did say that I would I  think about it. Ugh, I could feel everybody’s expressions of cringe and the wait staff taking back the bottle of champagne and us sitting there in silence. How do you start the night off like that now we have to sit there with all those eyes and eat. 

Who’s to know, If he was a bit more invested and maybe a little romantic I might of said yes. But honestly how homely would I’d be to get married just because of a green card.

HRH

INTERESTING

I know you’re watching me,I see you on my social media casually checking out my page.  I know that you have friends eye spying on me around town and getting back to you of how I look and who I’m with. 

I know you want to reach out but your tough guy persona would be compromised so you’re hunting me down hoping that I will make that first move. Showing me little glimpses of yourself to break me down.

I know it’s your quilt in knowing that you royally fucked up, you thought the grass was greener on the other side, which it was until it wasn’t and the grass died and became weeds.

I know you think about me and us. Just like you dream about me and us, Because I can feel it when you do and yes we are still connected, which is mostly your fault because you won’t just let us go and it’s partly my fault too and I accept that because I don’t have the courage to hurt you by telling you to go away. So you have to do it, walk away.

I know you won’t make the first move because if you do you will lose power over the situation and you know if you walk away I will never try to get back together with you again. If I do it then you’ll have the power and you’ll be able to torture me into coming back into your life.  Sorry you have to make that move, only then you will know what you truly want. Fight or Fly.

Until then….

HRH

I often write down a line or two when something inspires me to write sometime later .  But sometimes when I go back to read it I don’t remember the reason for the line. It’s a frustrating moment because I feel at that time it was important enough for me to remember it and now I can’t. 

This is the Line’YOUR’RE THE ONE THAT BROKE ME AND NOW I’M UNBREAKABLE’. 

I’m guessing that it was probably about my last big heart break,  because that one really really broke me. So much so that I went to great pains to shield myself from ever falling in love again. I know it sounds like a school girls first big love and her first big heart break, which you never really recover from that because it’s one of the deepest first intense loves you have. So Romeo and Juliet vibes.

But it could also have meant that I’ve become much stronger from that experience.  Maybe too strong or maybe just guarded to the point of no feelings for anyone any longer. Which kinda scares me because I don’t get gushy anymore, especially for this guy that I’m seeing right now. He’s a great guy, I like him well enough. I like hanging out with him, love having our little dates. We text often to each other. But I have to force myself to text him, because I really don’t think about him when we aren’t together and I don’t want him think that I’m not interested in him and we fizzle out, which makes me sad to think that I might hurt him because of lack of trust.

I did a good job in blocking myself off from some of my emotions , except when it comes to  mushy commercials or those ROM COMS that I refuse to watch anymore because  I’m become a blithering fool while watching it. 

So here I sit trying make out what prompted me to write this line down. And as much as I want to get out of my dark phase and start writing more positive, witty and funny moments of my life, there’s so much of my past that is so unresolved. And having this blog has helped so much in figuring that out.

Also because sometimes you block out a lot of those painful moments to protect yourself and when you start getting clarity images start popping up and you have this moment where your saying to yourself, oh wow that happened. And the pieces of that puzzle start coming together.

You may have many puzzles in the works, some completed and some not so much, but when you finished and completed one it’s a great feeling. 

So I may not remember what that line meant to me at that time, but I do know that I started another puzzle today.

HRH