STAR FUCKER

The first time I met a "CELEBRITY" I was about 7 years old. Of course at the time I didn't know what it meant to be famous and I'm not sure the word celebrity was even a thing back then. The second time I was much older, around 17yrs old or so. Of course I was in awe, and for the most part he was very sweet, charismatic man with a great smile. I gushed to my parents and family members about the meeting, but they were so unimpressed by it, which confused me to the point of deep reflection.

Why were they so Blasé about it. My parents were by no stretch of the word mingled in that crowd that I knew of. We did travel loads in, out and all about the world. Many countries, states and cities. I knew that they had these dinner amazing dinner parties that included people that were brilliant engineers, poets, Generals diplomats etc. No Celebs, I guess in that world they were.

A few years later, I was performing a segment for a very popular Soap Opera, I was to be dancing at this outside amphitheater, while they actors were to be running from thugs or outlaws, can't remember the reason or episode really. Anyhow, mingling with these actors back stage, making small talk, some even flirting and trying get me to go out with them, I realized then, that these "CELEBRITIES" were no more than a bunch of no class, no manners, people that we just very hot sexy people that weren't very good at their craft. So lack for a better example, very normal people that I wouldn't want to possibly want to hangout with in real time.

Which brings me to my night in SOHO Nyc, Where people love to stand in line for the most silliest of things you can think of. In the heat, in the winter, they love it. Although I'm almost certain that it isn't New Yorkers that are standing in these lines as much as the tourist and ex pats from the west and across the pond or the bowels of middle America. 

Here we are, in line at a downtown "CELEB" hangout. Where everybody wants to be in the midst of these people that have no real redeemable reason to be alive other than the fact they are famous for, yeah for whatever. So, here we are, in line, watching as celeb after celeb come to the door, flash the Garcòn their secret email and they get let in. While loads of people just stand there hoping and wishing they get the chance to be let in this restaurant where all the famous people sit and eat. UGH

I am so not a STAR FUCKER, I'm not a line stander, and I can really care less who's in the room and I really don't want to see Celebs eating and watching us watching them, SO THIRSTY. So Dehydrated to be seen. 

But their I was, standing in line the rest of the people and I so wanted to leave and I tried with every fiber of my soul to get my dinner party and my date to go elsewhere, because I really needed two things, get warm, pee, oh there's a third, A big Martini. STAT. But they needed to get in there. They needed it so bad, they wanted so badly to be able to let everybody know that they were there. And who was there, who walked in, who walked out. BLAH BLAH BLAH

And then, by a miracle from the gods, two and a half hours later we get in. Our waiter was amazing, he got us set up in no time. The food, Divine, Atmosphere, it's downtown Nyc, it's been there for ages, looked very worn in and antique. But the CELEBS lol, whatever.........

HRH

                                    THE BRIDGE

                                              FIN

It's been me experience as a Transgendered Woman that most of the men that I meet are "STRAIGHT" so to speak. I'm mean it becomes kinda of a mind fuck because the lines of sexuality have been blurred. Men are okay being with a trans woman that hasn't fully transitioned but won't be with a man, because they aren't gay. I know, it's a worm hole.

So after month of doing dinners and sleep overs, Taking long walks, while holding hands, perspectively we were dating and we were together. I whole heartily knew that wee weren't exclusive but in the first month that we were posing as dating, he had a rendezvous after a party that we went to. Seeing the signs early on I left and he didn't even notice or cared. At that point I had a decision to make. Should I end this thing or should I just be Blasé about it see where this facade will go. Of course you're staying the right choice is to turn and just leave. But I was already full on in so I decided that I would just stay and see how it plays out. 

As the days, weeks and months went on and I had fallen really deep for this guy. One night while we were getting together for our weekly date night, as we were walking towards our first stop of the night I reached over and grabbed his hand. It was the most uncomfortable moment I have ever felt from him. And right there I knew since that night after the party, where went home with that guy he was full on having a relationship with that guy. And at that moment I knew that I had been his beard, lampshade and for all intensive purposes I had been his Bridge.

His gateway from his straight side to his gay side. Yes, he was BI, yes he liked both men and women, yes, yes and yes. But as I wrote at the beginning, I fully never really believe in that term. And he wasn't the first that the ever crossed my path and as fucked up as it is, he probably won't be the last.

When I think about that time, about all the things that I could've done how I could of saved myself from heart break, because it did break my heart, not in two pieces, it was shattered in millions of pieces. You ask me why did I not walk away all those months ago. Well, I'll tell you why I let this happen to me after knowing the outcome.

I needed to see the truth of the world. I needed to see that you never know anyone fully, no matter how long or short your time has been together. So the fact that this journey was about a lesson, something that I needed to go through to move forward with my life. And I did learn a that lesson, it was a really hard one to go through.

I imagined that when he left me for the other person, that we were standing at the edge of a the Brooklyn bridge looking at Manhattan, standing there, not looking at each other, the breeze was cool when it hit my face, blew my hair wildly into my wet face from the tears that were rolling down my cheeks and got stuck there. I said as softly as I could, I am no longer your beard or lampshade. I am no longer your BRIDGE, 

HRH

                                       The Bridge    

Our first meeting came the following week. We decided to meet after work and have dinner , drinks etc.  There was no real plan, I guess we had been hanging out with so many people for the last few months that we really weren't sure what we were like with just the two of us. So he showed up. like he said he would, I thought okay cool, he didn't ghost me out. Funny enough it was like a first date so to speak. We awkwardly hugged hello, stood there kinda stiff with these forced smiles on our face, until I broke the silence and suggested we go someplace for appetizers and drinks, which started a tradition that lasted until things ended. Having apps at one place, having dinner at another place, then going to a desert place to grab an array of sweets and finally going back to my place to sit and have tea and the cornucopia of deserts.

Once we were finished at our first stop we decided we take a walk and pick a place where we would do dinner. On that walk I said while we were at it I'd like to stop and get a mutual friend of ours a birthday gift. He thought It was a great idea and thought he would do the same. I already had in mind what I wanted to get them so it was just HE  that needed to decide or figure out what he wanted to get them.  He was so focused on getting that gift, so focussed it being a good one that I got a little suspicious. And somehow it turned out that he bought the gift that I was intending to get them and now I needed to think of something else for my gift.

We ended up walking around the city well over an hour, gifts in hand, we decided to just go back to my place and order pizza. Then we had the Talk. He told me all about his life and I told him all about mine, we talked about what our next steps would be or look like and it seemed that we were on the same page as far as us taking that next step and start dating. And so it seemed.

During our talk about or lives, he confessed that he was BI. Now I'm not against that at all and I believe that a person can be BI, I just don't believe that everyone can BE BI because in my experience it also can mean that you are on the fence about your sexuality and if that is in fact the issue then I'm going to loose in this game.

So after we were done with the pizza and we continued exploring our likes and dislikes, religion, the future, the ending of the world and so on. He leaned over and kissed me. And at that moment, I think that I knew, this was going to be a rollercoaster of a ride. Because I'm not fully onboard with the notion that he was actually interested in me. Yes he made a the move to kiss me, but the kiss didn't feel like he really wanted to kiss me.  So I'm sure that my reaction wasn't what he expected and even more so I just said thank you, that was very sweet of you. He got his things together and left.

 HRH

                                   THE BRIDGE

I remember full well the first time that I met him that fate was at work. I also knew that he would break my heart like no other person had done in years past. And with all this knowledge at my feet I still went into it with open arms. Why you may ask, well because I knew that for some reason I needed to experience this in order to move forward and at that moment to love someone the way I was going to love this person was going to be the deepest love I have ever been through.

The first time that we met I took a picture of him, straight away. Like I said, the moment that we first met I knew this was going to be a roller coaster, I loved rollercoasters then, not so much these days. Anyhow, from that first moment he was always around. Every party, get together, dinners, and soon enough to intimate gatherings. 

At first I ignored him fantastically, I'd say hello when he would first arrive, then I would immediately go to the opposite side of the room, I'd watch him through my peripheral and as he made his way towards me I would move away. I made it a game, a slow dance and sometimes we would connect like the hands on a clock, we would chat about something nonsensical then I would say my exit line and move to chat with someone else.

This went on for a few months, playing cat and mouse sort of thing.  Until one the night it finally all came to head. Maybe it was  frustration that lead to this moment, not really ever having conversation or saying not more than a few sentences between us, that all this finally came to be.

One of my favorite festivals in New York City is the San Gennero Festival in little Italy. Not sure why but it just me happy to eat loads of Italian foods and drink wine. Lots of wine. I had made plans to meet up with friends who were a couple visiting at the time at the festival. And I asked a friend to be my plus one so there would be an even four and we would have the chance to have even conversations through out the night. We all decided to meet at the festival and Of course me being who I am got there fairly early, so I decided I get a drink while I waited for everyone to show up. 

The couple arrived first, did the usual ritual of hellos, they made a joke about me already having a drink, then they decided they would get one as well as I waited for my friend to show up. It was early but it was pretty active and it was starting to get really packed  and in the distance I could see my friends head. I was about to raise my hand to wave at him, then from out of the crowd I saw him, my friend brought him to the festival. 

I really wanted to just yell and cus him out in my New York fashion outrage, but I kept it cool and said hello, my friends showed up with their drinks in hand and we were off to enjoy more drinks, rides and food.

Night came rather fast and we were all ready for a sit down dinner, we found a very cute place out of the way of the festival but just close enough to hear the music and the laughter of the crowd enjoying themselves. 

We got a table outside, the couple sat together obviously, my friend sat at the head of the table par usual, I sat across the on his right and HE sat next to me on my right, get the picture. I know it was the wine that broke down this wall that I had built to protect me from him, all the strategic moves that I had planned for all those weeks and months came crashing down the moment we sat together.

The night went so slowly and funny I don't remember a thing that went on, what we drank or ate, when the food came or when they picked up our plates, nothing. All I remember is talking and laughing with HIM, we didn't even chat with anyone else at the table at all and I'm actually surprised nobody mentioned it or said anything about it. 

Then it happened, our eyes finally met and we were locked in. Everything kinda just stopped, there were no words between us, it felt like an eternity of silence. As I was studying his face, I looked at his forehead, his eyes, nose and lips, I finally spoke. I said," well it looks like you're going to be around a lot so I should get to know you better" and HE said, " well we can also do our own thing". 

And there it was, those two sentences sealed the deal and fate had finally came to claim my heart and soul.

HRH

 YAY! So here we are, another day and another dollar so they say. Who says that, people say that, what people say that, people, people say that, That's a never ending circle that can go on and on to infinity.

But that's not why I'm here today, sitting on my sofa, writing you about what is the mind of someone who just a few months ago thought there was still magic in the air and every scenario happened by sheer, well, magic. 

Who new that everything that we see on social media is a fake, people don't actually look like they do on their posts, people from your past just don't show up at your events out of the blue just to surprise you and tell stories of who you were before you got famous and all those remedies to fix your face and grow hair are all just stuff to get you hooked and not look at the bigger picture of what is really going on in the world right now. This minute.

Woman have lost the right to decide what to do with their own bodies, Parents have lost the right to decide what to do with their transgender children, they're burning books, erasing history and we are looking at a possible scenario of a man becoming President not only to do his rein of terror of paybacks and revenge. But a man who is going to kill what little we have of Democracy and brought not only to our nation that being racist name calling bully is okay but he has taken it to the world wide stage and now there's no mistake that the United States is a racist nation. Thank you very much.

So what do we about it, what is the answer? Do we just sit back and wait and see what happens, cross our fingers and hope that it all turns out well, go into a crawl space and cloister yourself until it all fades away or do we try to fix it. Questions Questions, no answers or solutions.

Yes, here we are. A nation that's not able to see one another as human beings. We have no space to open our hearts and go forward to advance ourselves. But we can advance ourselves in Science, upgrade our technology and made our phones hand held, we can chat to people from our wrist, listen to music on EarPods, and communicate on so so many differnt levels BUT we can't find a simple way to respect and love one another. 

I THINK it's best to just go and get a mani and pedi, head to your favorite bar, hopefully the bartender knows you, so you can sit there and drink your fucking blues away until you don't give a fuck and do the whole thing again tomorrow.

HRH

So It's 2024, 

I did like everyone else, made the so called resolutions for the next year. I'd like to tell you the wishes  I made, but at the fear of not succeeding let's just keep them to myself. 

I have two other blogs that I have been writhing on, I'm not really sure why I have two other blogs but there they are and here we are blogs that are completely nonsensical. So I decided that this BLOG will be more about my thoughts on things that aggravate me about living here in Nyc, things about my life that at this point I feel that I should of kept a more in-depth log of things that have been going on the last twenty or so years and I like to write about all things fashion, food and what not. There's a lot of what nots.

We can however start by going back to my resolutions. In 2009 I made three on New Years day, did the whole thing of writing them down and burning them in the caldron of fire. Of course, not all of your hopes, dreams and wishes come true for you. One can only hope that at least one will.

But I am glad to say that two of my wishes from that night came true and rather faster than I could have ever hoped for. But the third one is taking a very long time to manifest. And I feel that unfortunately it's going to take bit longer than the other two did.

And it's actually okay that is hasn't yet, because at this point I'm really going to start to focus on myself as much as I can this year, I know, shocking statement. I'm not saying that I'll stop taking care of my friends and family, nor will I stop cooking for them and  going out. But what I do mean is that I want to find my forever job, that place that I know that I can stay at, if the gods grace me until it's time to retire. I know I did laugh at that statement too. My friend says that we aren't the kind of people that retire. And the way that the world looks like right now I think he's right.

So all in all, in closing this first post on this blog, the world sucks, I'm not retiring and I'm thinking of getting a pet fish.

Until then

HRH