He asked me to marry him for a green card and I said no. Him thinking since we had something a very long time ago I would just say yes and it would be that easy. Well it wasn’t and it isn’t.

A tiny back story to let you know where I’m coming from and most of all to let you know that I’m not so heartless as I seem to be. 

We have known each other for many years, we did many things together. He’s a photographer so I modeled for him many times and I did many videos and parties with him and it was such great time and I wouldn’t changed anything. 

Then this fateful night while were out a party we got bit blitzed, I loved being with him, we had such rock -n-roll times together. 

So I don’t know what it was that night about him, could of been the drinking and the way we were dancing together or the way he was making me laugh that I saw him differently. He was so much lighter and so so much happier.  

But as it goes, I decided it was time for me to head out and go home. I motioned him off the dance floor and said that I was going to go home, we kissed goodbye like we always have done in the past but this time it was electric, I felt this energy from my lips to tips of my toes and went right back again to my lips.

We pushed away and looked at each other kinda stunned at what just happened, eyes not really focused, felt like we both got  hit with a rock on the corner of our brow. I finally took a breath and started to leave. I think took about four steps max and I stopped and turned around and he was still there in the same place leaning against the banister with his head facing downward. I turned around and started walking back to him. 

I placed my feet right where he could see them , slowly he looked up to see me standing there, he smiled and without a single word I kissed him again. This time longer and deeper than before. Then I left a second time, for good.

We worked together in the east village in a cafe like all artist did in the day until they got their  big break so they can get out of that business.  I worked days and he managed the night shifts, so we barely ever worked together and we pretty much saw about 5 min max between shifts. 

I t had been a couple of days since we saw each other or even spoke but that was common for us so I didn’t put much stock into it. So when walked in for his shift he looked like he really wanted to chat. So I lingered a bit till he got his bearings and went up to him and said hi.

He didn’t hesitate, he blurted out, “We Can’t See Each Other”, I said okay, why? Well he said, we work together and it could get messy for us. How so I said, I’m mean we never work together and we probably spend less than five minutes saying hello goodbye in the same breath and I’m out.

Well, he was adamant about us not starting up something, so I said okay. I mean of course he got scared, had buyers remorse. Thought about the fact he couldn’t have sex with anyone else or maybe I wasn’t enough or maybe too much. To be fare I’ve had guys think I was too much, so of course I went there blaming myself for his reluctance to date me.

So in one big dust devil we started and it ended just that fast. We still hung out together for years after that and we still worked together and went out dancing, did crazy things that are only meant to be seen on the big screen or read about it in social media videos and a really good book someday.

So you see , coming at me all those years later, in a restaurant no less and blurting out let’s get married, which I think is cop out, who asks a girl in a fully loaded restaurant to marry them, you almost can’t say no, right! Well I didn’t say yes or no, but I did say that I would I  think about it. Ugh, I could feel everybody’s expressions of cringe and the wait staff taking back the bottle of champagne and us sitting there in silence. How do you start the night off like that now we have to sit there with all those eyes and eat. 

Who’s to know, If he was a bit more invested and maybe a little romantic I might of said yes. But honestly how homely would I’d be to get married just because of a green card.

HRH

INTERESTING

I know you’re watching me,I see you on my social media casually checking out my page.  I know that you have friends eye spying on me around town and getting back to you of how I look and who I’m with. 

I know you want to reach out but your tough guy persona would be compromised so you’re hunting me down hoping that I will make that first move. Showing me little glimpses of yourself to break me down.

I know it’s your quilt in knowing that you royally fucked up, you thought the grass was greener on the other side, which it was until it wasn’t and the grass died and became weeds.

I know you think about me and us. Just like you dream about me and us, Because I can feel it when you do and yes we are still connected, which is mostly your fault because you won’t just let us go and it’s partly my fault too and I accept that because I don’t have the courage to hurt you by telling you to go away. So you have to do it, walk away.

I know you won’t make the first move because if you do you will lose power over the situation and you know if you walk away I will never try to get back together with you again. If I do it then you’ll have the power and you’ll be able to torture me into coming back into your life.  Sorry you have to make that move, only then you will know what you truly want. Fight or Fly.

Until then….

HRH

I often write down a line or two when something inspires me to write sometime later .  But sometimes when I go back to read it I don’t remember the reason for the line. It’s a frustrating moment because I feel at that time it was important enough for me to remember it and now I can’t. 

This is the Line’YOUR’RE THE ONE THAT BROKE ME AND NOW I’M UNBREAKABLE’. 

I’m guessing that it was probably about my last big heart break,  because that one really really broke me. So much so that I went to great pains to shield myself from ever falling in love again. I know it sounds like a school girls first big love and her first big heart break, which you never really recover from that because it’s one of the deepest first intense loves you have. So Romeo and Juliet vibes.

But it could also have meant that I’ve become much stronger from that experience.  Maybe too strong or maybe just guarded to the point of no feelings for anyone any longer. Which kinda scares me because I don’t get gushy anymore, especially for this guy that I’m seeing right now. He’s a great guy, I like him well enough. I like hanging out with him, love having our little dates. We text often to each other. But I have to force myself to text him, because I really don’t think about him when we aren’t together and I don’t want him think that I’m not interested in him and we fizzle out, which makes me sad to think that I might hurt him because of lack of trust.

I did a good job in blocking myself off from some of my emotions , except when it comes to  mushy commercials or those ROM COMS that I refuse to watch anymore because  I’m become a blithering fool while watching it. 

So here I sit trying make out what prompted me to write this line down. And as much as I want to get out of my dark phase and start writing more positive, witty and funny moments of my life, there’s so much of my past that is so unresolved. And having this blog has helped so much in figuring that out.

Also because sometimes you block out a lot of those painful moments to protect yourself and when you start getting clarity images start popping up and you have this moment where your saying to yourself, oh wow that happened. And the pieces of that puzzle start coming together.

You may have many puzzles in the works, some completed and some not so much, but when you finished and completed one it’s a great feeling. 

So I may not remember what that line meant to me at that time, but I do know that I started another puzzle today.

HRH

 I recently had a chat with a 21 year old girl from the country of Georgia, for her age I find her very smart and level headed. As all girls of her age and of this current time we are in, she has the social media bug. She was explaining  to me that she’s not very  interested getting very drunk and crazed as her girlfriends do when they go out. She likes to stay level headed and doesn't love hangovers, which I replied no one does darling. 

She continued to tell me that in her country they have a music festival much like our COACHELLA there. So since she’s never really been drunk and done crazy drugs, she decided that she would at this festival. She snuck in a  vodka in a bottle of nail polish remover, UM really, what kind of security do they have over there. She continued to explain what ensued after  she had 16 shots, which became  a classic turn of events. Laughing, dancing, crying, getting lost and not knowing how she got home.The Rite of passage everyone goes through at some point of there life.

The best part of the story were the pics of her of how cute she looked before she went to the music festival and what she looked like afterwards. Well the long and the short of it, a muddy messy disheveled girl wearing a completely different outfit than she did when she left. 

Of course I couldn’t stop laughing, so she looked at me and asked if I have ever had a night like that. Well, um yes, I have.

Like her, I always needed to be in control of my surroundings, no matter how fucked up I would get, I always made sure that I was conscious enough to know when to call it, or hangout long enough to be able to head out on my own. Which meant that I never got to fully let myself go and enjoy the high.

Like her, I decided that I wanted to have one of those drunken blind moments to put in the books and I must say that I accomplished my goal.

I was an artist assistant way back on the 90’s, well I was more than a assistant, I was more of a muse, in the fact that I would inspire him to look deep into his soul and paint without any inhibitions. Anyhow getting to the point. The Artist that I was assisting was having his first opening and I was to be the host of the event,  So I decided that I would dress like a Modern Geisha, I wore this wooden 5in. shoes with a Japanese crimped skirt and a beautiful tight blouse to match with the skirt. 

My one rule that I have when I host a party or in this case an opening I do not drink until midnight. Keeps me focused on the event and able to chat with perspective buyers etc… 

The night was going fantastically, people were buying and the party was in my opinion off the fucking hook, so I started having drinks a bit early because at that point the party was well on it’s own.

The opening ended  on a high note so about 12 of us went out after to have dinner and celebrate our success and of course I really don’t remember much about dinner, only that afterwards everyone left me alone and the last thing I remember was my friend saying for me take a cab and not walk home. Yeah that never happened.

As I stood there in front of  Chelsea Hotel and watched everyone leave I decided  that I would walk home across my favorite street in Chelsea. Of course it was the biggest mistake and thus began the night Of A Thousand falls.

I was going to stay at a friends apt on 24th street between 8th and 9th ave. which is’t really that far from the Chelsea Hotel which is on 23rd street between 7th and 8th ave. So I watched the last of my friends leave, with my eyes crossed and my shoes feeling like bricks, which were actually wooden blocks on my feet. I was on my way.

I decided that I wanted to walk across 22nd street because It’s one of my favorite streets in Chelsea, cute, full of trees, quite, lovely Brownstones and it was a beautiful street to say the least. Well everything was going just fine until I turned on 22nd, I had my first fall into what I think were a bunch of bushes. not sure how I got up from that but I did. 

Then there was the crash into a light pole, a flower bed around the trees, onto  the stairs leading to someone’s house, I think I crashed into a parked car, ended up in someone’s courtyard, luckily no one saw me when that happened and all of  this happened between 8th and 9th ave.

Then I turned right to head to 24th street and somehow I couldn’t manage being on my shoes any longer and I crashed into a young tree and just slithered down and landed in the flower bed and just sat there looking up into the bright moonlit sky. Then out of nowhere this dark figure was standing above me and I heard HRH what are you doing down there! I looked up there he stood complete dark shadow with a golden aura around him like an angel, what can I say , the drugs were good and he did look like an angel.

I said that I was going to my friends apt on 24th street, he helped me up and said he would take there. See he was an angel.

I woke up the next morning of course barely remembering the night before, I did however have a few bruises with a good amount aces and pains. And when I saw the state of my shoes, I can fully understand why my body felt the way it did, there were entirely barely no straps on my shoes to keep them on my feet, thus the reason for  the night of a thousand falls.

HRH

The Price Of Age

I was never considered a great beauty, especially when I was a child. Being of mix breed didn’t go well for me as it did for other members of my family, I was very awkward growing up like a puppy with big ears and long limbs with floppy hands and feet.  

Then summer came and I went from a hideous little half breed native Indian girl to a tall long legged amazon in a blink of an eye, I still wasn’t a beauty to behold but I had the body and legs that the boys acknowledged and they came and in full force, almost like they could smell it.

My Parents were so confused as to what was happening, and honestly I was just as flabbergasted as they were.  And that was the beginning of a crazy journey that literally lasted till I was in my fifties.

As I said I was never considered a beauty by any standards, no one ever said I was pretty of beautiful, but I did get things like “ you look great” or ‘you look sexy’ and as one friend said to me in one drunken night, you always had a great style. 

As time went on I started to acquire lovers, boyfriends or became a paramour, I was a paramour more often than not. I had something that enticed men, my witty banter, my gift of cooking and the fact that I could make any man feel like a king and was able to provide multiple ways of pleasure, in short I had  many skills.  

But as hard as I tried I never was able secure a partner that could fully become a partner. My ways, no matter how chill I was or open to spontaneity, loving, giving wasn’t enough. 

Then time finally caught up to me and the ravages of years of living the VIDA LOCA combined with many days, weeks, months of sadness and heartbreaks it took all I had left of that light I had and that inner beauty that I had possessed was gone and it finally went dim.

Now I’ve become a ghost walking on the streets of Manhattan, no one chats with you any longer. Sitting at bars men ignore you. If you’re having dinner alone they’ll ask if they can have your chair without even asking if you’re waiting for anyone. It’s actually laughable sometimes, because I sit and contemplate this point in my life, I can only think of how they may feel when that times comes for them. Probably not so great. Because even though I’m at this stage of my life and have come to terms with it. I’m loving my life more than ever.

I obviously could do and go anywhere I pleased. Clean or not clean my apt, wear clothes or not and I could stream endless amounts of shows on the tele but It’s just different now, calmer, settled I suppose, for lack of a better way to explain it. 

And as George Bernard Shaw said “YOUTH IS WASTED ON THE YOUNG”. 

HRH

 Where do I belong,

As a child I seemed to be ahead of the times, my thoughts of who I was was a very strong in my body and because of that it caused loads of problems for my family and me, problems that I couldn’t fix because I was a child.

At 15 I had my palm read and was told that I chose my parents because I wanted to come into this world and not have a relationship w/ them, and it seemed that I didn’t.  

I suppose I chose them because I knew that they wouldn’t have been able to understand who I was and in turn my father was disgusted w/ me and my mother was always sad when she looked at me always uttering the words “what did we do wrong” and “what will people think of my son thinking that he’s a girl”, 

It was years of separation, crying, yelling there were never smiles around me except for a very few moments that I was able to feel like I had a family, but that never really lasted too long, 

So they years would go by and though I had some friends some lovers , they all in turn never understood the boy in a dress, so I ended  up alone, doing things alone and trying to find my way in the world alone.

At 21 I started taking myself out to really expensive dinners, I’d order the full course and slowly sit there and eat silently while the room would nonchalantly glance at me from time to time with these perplexed looks, I’m sure wondering what this child was doing here alone. 

So began the journey of spending many moments of self reflection, laying on my bed and just staring at the ceiling in deep contemplation, then I go back to that day of my palm reading and ask myself “why did I decide to reincarnate at the time that I did”, there must have been a reason for it, 

Did I miss calculate my entrance into  the world, too early too late, that’s a question that will probably never be able to be answered at least not in this life time.

So the never ending question still remains, WHERE DO I BELONG.

HRH

Every time you and I walked in the rain together we cleansed our aura’s. We were pure of heart as we walked the streets of NYC slowly walking hand in hand enjoying every wet moment while people all around us were running for cover. 

As much noise as the city can produce we could only hear the rain pounding on the pavement and the loud clasping of thunder and lightning above us. At times I acted strong and brave but inside when the weather got really intense I got the shivers, you felt my fear from the pounding of my heart while holding my hand, you brought me closer to you to assure me that I was safe. I can’t tell you how comforting that felt  and how warm and cozy you made me feel.

As the years went by and we walked not only in the rain but we walked the beautiful spring days and the hot summers and the nights that were breezy and. warm. We walked all around central park, the west side highway, all without a thought, just walked.

I miss those days, I miss those rainy walking days, the sunny ones as well as those cozy breezy nights. I miss feeling your heartbeat in my hand and  you pulling me close to you to make me feel safe and feeling your breath in my ear. 

I miss how I felt in the rain with you, it was magical and free. People around us never understood the reason for it, they didn’t understand why it made us smile and why we looked happy getting wet as we walked the streets of New York city.

As the rain finally ended and the Sunset into the night, so too did our bond, never to recover, never to  feel the drops on our smiling faces or feel our hearts beating in our hands

HRH