I recently had a chat with a 21 year old girl from the country of Georgia, for her age I find her very smart and level headed. As all girls of her age and of this current time we are in, she has the social media bug. She was explaining  to me that she’s not very  interested getting very drunk and crazed as her girlfriends do when they go out. She likes to stay level headed and doesn't love hangovers, which I replied no one does darling. 

She continued to tell me that in her country they have a music festival much like our COACHELLA there. So since she’s never really been drunk and done crazy drugs, she decided that she would at this festival. She snuck in a  vodka in a bottle of nail polish remover, UM really, what kind of security do they have over there. She continued to explain what ensued after  she had 16 shots, which became  a classic turn of events. Laughing, dancing, crying, getting lost and not knowing how she got home.The Rite of passage everyone goes through at some point of there life.

The best part of the story were the pics of her of how cute she looked before she went to the music festival and what she looked like afterwards. Well the long and the short of it, a muddy messy disheveled girl wearing a completely different outfit than she did when she left. 

Of course I couldn’t stop laughing, so she looked at me and asked if I have ever had a night like that. Well, um yes, I have.

Like her, I always needed to be in control of my surroundings, no matter how fucked up I would get, I always made sure that I was conscious enough to know when to call it, or hangout long enough to be able to head out on my own. Which meant that I never got to fully let myself go and enjoy the high.

Like her, I decided that I wanted to have one of those drunken blind moments to put in the books and I must say that I accomplished my goal.

I was an artist assistant way back on the 90’s, well I was more than a assistant, I was more of a muse, in the fact that I would inspire him to look deep into his soul and paint without any inhibitions. Anyhow getting to the point. The Artist that I was assisting was having his first opening and I was to be the host of the event,  So I decided that I would dress like a Modern Geisha, I wore this wooden 5in. shoes with a Japanese crimped skirt and a beautiful tight blouse to match with the skirt. 

My one rule that I have when I host a party or in this case an opening I do not drink until midnight. Keeps me focused on the event and able to chat with perspective buyers etc… 

The night was going fantastically, people were buying and the party was in my opinion off the fucking hook, so I started having drinks a bit early because at that point the party was well on it’s own.

The opening ended  on a high note so about 12 of us went out after to have dinner and celebrate our success and of course I really don’t remember much about dinner, only that afterwards everyone left me alone and the last thing I remember was my friend saying for me take a cab and not walk home. Yeah that never happened.

As I stood there in front of  Chelsea Hotel and watched everyone leave I decided  that I would walk home across my favorite street in Chelsea. Of course it was the biggest mistake and thus began the night Of A Thousand falls.

I was going to stay at a friends apt on 24th street between 8th and 9th ave. which is’t really that far from the Chelsea Hotel which is on 23rd street between 7th and 8th ave. So I watched the last of my friends leave, with my eyes crossed and my shoes feeling like bricks, which were actually wooden blocks on my feet. I was on my way.

I decided that I wanted to walk across 22nd street because It’s one of my favorite streets in Chelsea, cute, full of trees, quite, lovely Brownstones and it was a beautiful street to say the least. Well everything was going just fine until I turned on 22nd, I had my first fall into what I think were a bunch of bushes. not sure how I got up from that but I did. 

Then there was the crash into a light pole, a flower bed around the trees, onto  the stairs leading to someone’s house, I think I crashed into a parked car, ended up in someone’s courtyard, luckily no one saw me when that happened and all of  this happened between 8th and 9th ave.

Then I turned right to head to 24th street and somehow I couldn’t manage being on my shoes any longer and I crashed into a young tree and just slithered down and landed in the flower bed and just sat there looking up into the bright moonlit sky. Then out of nowhere this dark figure was standing above me and I heard HRH what are you doing down there! I looked up there he stood complete dark shadow with a golden aura around him like an angel, what can I say , the drugs were good and he did look like an angel.

I said that I was going to my friends apt on 24th street, he helped me up and said he would take there. See he was an angel.

I woke up the next morning of course barely remembering the night before, I did however have a few bruises with a good amount aces and pains. And when I saw the state of my shoes, I can fully understand why my body felt the way it did, there were entirely barely no straps on my shoes to keep them on my feet, thus the reason for  the night of a thousand falls.

HRH

The Price Of Age

I was never considered a great beauty, especially when I was a child. Being of mix breed didn’t go well for me as it did for other members of my family, I was very awkward growing up like a puppy with big ears and long limbs with floppy hands and feet.  

Then summer came and I went from a hideous little half breed native Indian girl to a tall long legged amazon in a blink of an eye, I still wasn’t a beauty to behold but I had the body and legs that the boys acknowledged and they came and in full force, almost like they could smell it.

My Parents were so confused as to what was happening, and honestly I was just as flabbergasted as they were.  And that was the beginning of a crazy journey that literally lasted till I was in my fifties.

As I said I was never considered a beauty by any standards, no one ever said I was pretty of beautiful, but I did get things like “ you look great” or ‘you look sexy’ and as one friend said to me in one drunken night, you always had a great style. 

As time went on I started to acquire lovers, boyfriends or became a paramour, I was a paramour more often than not. I had something that enticed men, my witty banter, my gift of cooking and the fact that I could make any man feel like a king and was able to provide multiple ways of pleasure, in short I had  many skills.  

But as hard as I tried I never was able secure a partner that could fully become a partner. My ways, no matter how chill I was or open to spontaneity, loving, giving wasn’t enough. 

Then time finally caught up to me and the ravages of years of living the VIDA LOCA combined with many days, weeks, months of sadness and heartbreaks it took all I had left of that light I had and that inner beauty that I had possessed was gone and it finally went dim.

Now I’ve become a ghost walking on the streets of Manhattan, no one chats with you any longer. Sitting at bars men ignore you. If you’re having dinner alone they’ll ask if they can have your chair without even asking if you’re waiting for anyone. It’s actually laughable sometimes, because I sit and contemplate this point in my life, I can only think of how they may feel when that times comes for them. Probably not so great. Because even though I’m at this stage of my life and have come to terms with it. I’m loving my life more than ever.

I obviously could do and go anywhere I pleased. Clean or not clean my apt, wear clothes or not and I could stream endless amounts of shows on the tele but It’s just different now, calmer, settled I suppose, for lack of a better way to explain it. 

And as George Bernard Shaw said “YOUTH IS WASTED ON THE YOUNG”. 

HRH

 Where do I belong,

As a child I seemed to be ahead of the times, my thoughts of who I was was a very strong in my body and because of that it caused loads of problems for my family and me, problems that I couldn’t fix because I was a child.

At 15 I had my palm read and was told that I chose my parents because I wanted to come into this world and not have a relationship w/ them, and it seemed that I didn’t.  

I suppose I chose them because I knew that they wouldn’t have been able to understand who I was and in turn my father was disgusted w/ me and my mother was always sad when she looked at me always uttering the words “what did we do wrong” and “what will people think of my son thinking that he’s a girl”, 

It was years of separation, crying, yelling there were never smiles around me except for a very few moments that I was able to feel like I had a family, but that never really lasted too long, 

So they years would go by and though I had some friends some lovers , they all in turn never understood the boy in a dress, so I ended  up alone, doing things alone and trying to find my way in the world alone.

At 21 I started taking myself out to really expensive dinners, I’d order the full course and slowly sit there and eat silently while the room would nonchalantly glance at me from time to time with these perplexed looks, I’m sure wondering what this child was doing here alone. 

So began the journey of spending many moments of self reflection, laying on my bed and just staring at the ceiling in deep contemplation, then I go back to that day of my palm reading and ask myself “why did I decide to reincarnate at the time that I did”, there must have been a reason for it, 

Did I miss calculate my entrance into  the world, too early too late, that’s a question that will probably never be able to be answered at least not in this life time.

So the never ending question still remains, WHERE DO I BELONG.

HRH

Every time you and I walked in the rain together we cleansed our aura’s. We were pure of heart as we walked the streets of NYC slowly walking hand in hand enjoying every wet moment while people all around us were running for cover. 

As much noise as the city can produce we could only hear the rain pounding on the pavement and the loud clasping of thunder and lightning above us. At times I acted strong and brave but inside when the weather got really intense I got the shivers, you felt my fear from the pounding of my heart while holding my hand, you brought me closer to you to assure me that I was safe. I can’t tell you how comforting that felt  and how warm and cozy you made me feel.

As the years went by and we walked not only in the rain but we walked the beautiful spring days and the hot summers and the nights that were breezy and. warm. We walked all around central park, the west side highway, all without a thought, just walked.

I miss those days, I miss those rainy walking days, the sunny ones as well as those cozy breezy nights. I miss feeling your heartbeat in my hand and  you pulling me close to you to make me feel safe and feeling your breath in my ear. 

I miss how I felt in the rain with you, it was magical and free. People around us never understood the reason for it, they didn’t understand why it made us smile and why we looked happy getting wet as we walked the streets of New York city.

As the rain finally ended and the Sunset into the night, so too did our bond, never to recover, never to  feel the drops on our smiling faces or feel our hearts beating in our hands

HRH

 The day that I lost you, I knew that I was going to be broken and mangled for years to come

I cried so deeply that I couldn’t find my breath, it hurt my face my eyes and at that moment my heart left me, I thought this is the end of me ever loving again or trusting anyone.

There I laid on the sofa in a puddle of despair, wrecked by someone who never cared or thought of more than just what he needed from me

Like a battery you took my energy and weakened me while you got stronger.

I lost so much that day, I lost who I was, I did things that I thought that I would never do and I let someone that really wasn’t in the same universe as me make  me small. That’s the one thing that I will never let anyone else do to me again.

But losing you was the best part of it all, funny enough, because now that I’m free, other doors and windows have opened up to me.

Funny how that happens, once I decided I no longer wanted you in my life , I became a swan.

And honestly you’re the one that lost in the end.Because I know that you still think about me, wonder about me and secretly you wish us back together.

You know that will never happen, right?

I’d sooner eat my left hand than have you ever touch me again, never do I want your lips near mine or hear your heartbeat in my ear and feel your chest rise and fall while you breath.

But at least you have me both ways now, you were in my heart because I loved you and now you’re always in my head because I will never forget how we ended.

HRH

WHEN I WAS A DANCER

I  had a birthday last week and of course as one does during that auspicious day is to reflect, at least as you get older, when you're younger It's all about the parties and presents and ultimately drinking and getting as drunk as you possibly can. 

Reflection seems to start at the age of 50, when that day comes it's all about where you've been and where you are at that time and where do you go from here. 

I however been doing this Reflection since the age of 13, My mind was always about the future and because of that I was always a bit fearful of that. But as time went on and I was getting older and I hope wiser, I was able to start seeing things as an adult and also was be able to give advise to the younger people around me and my friends. And in my little circle of friends, even though we were around the same ages give or take 10yrs or more, I had been a dancer for 30yrs when I retired at the age of 33 years old.

So of course all my life experiences stem from that space and time period.  From the age of 3 to 33 was all about dance and music, because my mother also had me take piano lessons. So I was a very busy kid. But I digress. I didn't have school dance's or Prom's, normal friends or even a normal life. I lived in this realm of fantasy, dress up and being a dancer was very important to me because it made me feel  as if I was somebody and I had a purpose in life. 

All my life experiences came from that, my first kiss, the first time I had sex, the first boyfriend, all my firsts were experienced then.  

So whenever I gave advise or wanted to give to someone inspiration for their journey thru life, It all came from that core space.

So the running Joke from all my friends is that when I begin to give advise or explain my life I always start out "WHEN I WAS A DANCER". LOL

 I never knew I did that but after a bit I would catch myself starting out that way. So now I have a different passion and I'm having different experiences. So hopefully I can give advise on a different Plain to those that ask for it or just simply give because I'm at that age where even if you don't ask I'm going to give it.

HRH

Growing up my parents had no idea how to deal with me, I was different , I was gay and they were deeply religious and hateful about that. They cared more about what people thought about them than the hard life I had ahead of me. As time went by and I got a bit older, it seemed I wasn't gay, but turned out to be a Transgendered little girl. And I'm not sure what possessed me to start dressing like one at two years old but I did and the rest is written in history. 

Then it was easy to hate me, be yelled at, shunned by all people around me, even in my own family. So as fate would have it, my mother, who was by far strange in her thoughts of me put me in ballet classes after a doctor diagnosed me as having an equilibrium problem. There I buried myself in dance, made it my escape from the turmoil of all the eyes of hate upon me. 

In that world of dance I felt safe, but as life would have it outside that world it made it harder. As I got older danced change my body, by the age of 10 I had a strong muscly figure, boys started to notice and at that time I looked and acted like a girl that when they found out I wasn't a girl so to speak that turned them on me.

All that hate that spanned almost 60 yrs. made me stronger, made me push through my life and by that I survived. It hasn't become any easier, well there was a moment that things  were starting to be good for the LGBTQ community until the Trump era came about and the MAGA people put a target on all our backs because they as a party have no agenda but hate. So the battle is on. But I digress this is issue is for another post sometime in the near future.

With all that said and written in black on white brings me to this time in space. That no matter how far I've come there are still people sho want to take me down. Hate that I get to work on time, earlier than I'm suppose to sometime, hate that my clients like me and that I actually care about them and that is a threat to them.

As I wrote before, the battle is on, which I'm going to lose because it's easy to get people to rally against me because of who I am, what I represent, which is courage, strength and to preservere in the face of all the obstacles that placed in from of me.

HRH