Every time you and I walked in the rain together we cleansed our aura’s. We were pure of heart as we walked the streets of NYC slowly walking hand in hand enjoying every wet moment while people all around us were running for cover. 

As much noise as the city can produce we could only hear the rain pounding on the pavement and the loud clasping of thunder and lightning above us. At times I acted strong and brave but inside when the weather got really intense I got the shivers, you felt my fear from the pounding of my heart while holding my hand, you brought me closer to you to assure me that I was safe. I can’t tell you how comforting that felt  and how warm and cozy you made me feel.

As the years went by and we walked not only in the rain but we walked the beautiful spring days and the hot summers and the nights that were breezy and. warm. We walked all around central park, the west side highway, all without a thought, just walked.

I miss those days, I miss those rainy walking days, the sunny ones as well as those cozy breezy nights. I miss feeling your heartbeat in my hand and  you pulling me close to you to make me feel safe and feeling your breath in my ear. 

I miss how I felt in the rain with you, it was magical and free. People around us never understood the reason for it, they didn’t understand why it made us smile and why we looked happy getting wet as we walked the streets of New York city.

As the rain finally ended and the Sunset into the night, so too did our bond, never to recover, never to  feel the drops on our smiling faces or feel our hearts beating in our hands

HRH

 The day that I lost you, I knew that I was going to be broken and mangled for years to come

I cried so deeply that I couldn’t find my breath, it hurt my face my eyes and at that moment my heart left me, I thought this is the end of me ever loving again or trusting anyone.

There I laid on the sofa in a puddle of despair, wrecked by someone who never cared or thought of more than just what he needed from me

Like a battery you took my energy and weakened me while you got stronger.

I lost so much that day, I lost who I was, I did things that I thought that I would never do and I let someone that really wasn’t in the same universe as me make  me small. That’s the one thing that I will never let anyone else do to me again.

But losing you was the best part of it all, funny enough, because now that I’m free, other doors and windows have opened up to me.

Funny how that happens, once I decided I no longer wanted you in my life , I became a swan.

And honestly you’re the one that lost in the end.Because I know that you still think about me, wonder about me and secretly you wish us back together.

You know that will never happen, right?

I’d sooner eat my left hand than have you ever touch me again, never do I want your lips near mine or hear your heartbeat in my ear and feel your chest rise and fall while you breath.

But at least you have me both ways now, you were in my heart because I loved you and now you’re always in my head because I will never forget how we ended.

HRH

WHEN I WAS A DANCER

I  had a birthday last week and of course as one does during that auspicious day is to reflect, at least as you get older, when you're younger It's all about the parties and presents and ultimately drinking and getting as drunk as you possibly can. 

Reflection seems to start at the age of 50, when that day comes it's all about where you've been and where you are at that time and where do you go from here. 

I however been doing this Reflection since the age of 13, My mind was always about the future and because of that I was always a bit fearful of that. But as time went on and I was getting older and I hope wiser, I was able to start seeing things as an adult and also was be able to give advise to the younger people around me and my friends. And in my little circle of friends, even though we were around the same ages give or take 10yrs or more, I had been a dancer for 30yrs when I retired at the age of 33 years old.

So of course all my life experiences stem from that space and time period.  From the age of 3 to 33 was all about dance and music, because my mother also had me take piano lessons. So I was a very busy kid. But I digress. I didn't have school dance's or Prom's, normal friends or even a normal life. I lived in this realm of fantasy, dress up and being a dancer was very important to me because it made me feel  as if I was somebody and I had a purpose in life. 

All my life experiences came from that, my first kiss, the first time I had sex, the first boyfriend, all my firsts were experienced then.  

So whenever I gave advise or wanted to give to someone inspiration for their journey thru life, It all came from that core space.

So the running Joke from all my friends is that when I begin to give advise or explain my life I always start out "WHEN I WAS A DANCER". LOL

 I never knew I did that but after a bit I would catch myself starting out that way. So now I have a different passion and I'm having different experiences. So hopefully I can give advise on a different Plain to those that ask for it or just simply give because I'm at that age where even if you don't ask I'm going to give it.

HRH

Growing up my parents had no idea how to deal with me, I was different , I was gay and they were deeply religious and hateful about that. They cared more about what people thought about them than the hard life I had ahead of me. As time went by and I got a bit older, it seemed I wasn't gay, but turned out to be a Transgendered little girl. And I'm not sure what possessed me to start dressing like one at two years old but I did and the rest is written in history. 

Then it was easy to hate me, be yelled at, shunned by all people around me, even in my own family. So as fate would have it, my mother, who was by far strange in her thoughts of me put me in ballet classes after a doctor diagnosed me as having an equilibrium problem. There I buried myself in dance, made it my escape from the turmoil of all the eyes of hate upon me. 

In that world of dance I felt safe, but as life would have it outside that world it made it harder. As I got older danced change my body, by the age of 10 I had a strong muscly figure, boys started to notice and at that time I looked and acted like a girl that when they found out I wasn't a girl so to speak that turned them on me.

All that hate that spanned almost 60 yrs. made me stronger, made me push through my life and by that I survived. It hasn't become any easier, well there was a moment that things  were starting to be good for the LGBTQ community until the Trump era came about and the MAGA people put a target on all our backs because they as a party have no agenda but hate. So the battle is on. But I digress this is issue is for another post sometime in the near future.

With all that said and written in black on white brings me to this time in space. That no matter how far I've come there are still people sho want to take me down. Hate that I get to work on time, earlier than I'm suppose to sometime, hate that my clients like me and that I actually care about them and that is a threat to them.

As I wrote before, the battle is on, which I'm going to lose because it's easy to get people to rally against me because of who I am, what I represent, which is courage, strength and to preservere in the face of all the obstacles that placed in from of me.

HRH

                                STAR FUCKER

The first time I met a "CELEBRITY" I was about 7 years old. Of course at the time I didn't know what it meant to be famous and I'm not sure the word celebrity was even a thing back then. The second time I was much older, around 17yrs old or so. Of course I was in awe, and for the most part he was very sweet, charismatic man with a great smile. I gushed to my parents and family members about the meeting, but they were so unimpressed by it, which confused me to the point of deep reflection.

Why were they so Blasé about it. My parents were by no stretch of the word mingled in that crowd that I knew of. We did travel loads in, out and all about the world. Many countries, states and cities. I knew that they had these dinner amazing dinner parties that included people that were brilliant engineers, poets, Generals diplomats etc. No Celebs, I guess in that world they were.

A few years later, I was performing a segment for a very popular Soap Opera, I was to be dancing at this outside amphitheater, while they actors were to be running from thugs or outlaws, can't remember the reason or episode really. Anyhow, mingling with these actors back stage, making small talk, some even flirting and trying get me to go out with them, I realized then, that these "CELEBRITIES" were no more than a bunch of no class, no manners, people that we just very hot sexy people that weren't very good at their craft. So lack for a better example, very normal people that I wouldn't want to possibly want to hangout with in real time.

Which brings me to my night in SOHO Nyc, Where people love to stand in line for the most silliest of things you can think of. In the heat, in the winter, they love it. Although I'm almost certain that it isn't New Yorkers that are standing in these lines as much as the tourist and ex pats from the west and across the pond or the bowels of middle America. 

Here we are, in line at a downtown "CELEB" hangout. Where everybody wants to be in the midst of these people that have no real redeemable reason to be alive other than the fact they are famous for, yeah for whatever. So, here we are, in line, watching as celeb after celeb come to the door, flash the Garcòn their secret email and they get let in. While loads of people just stand there hoping and wishing they get the chance to be let in this restaurant where all the famous people sit and eat. UGH

I am so not a STAR FUCKER, I'm not a line stander, and I can really care less who's in the room and I really don't want to see Celebs eating and watching us watching them, SO THIRSTY. So Dehydrated to be seen. 

But their I was, standing in line the rest of the people and I so wanted to leave and I tried with every fiber of my soul to get my dinner party and my date to go elsewhere, because I really needed two things, get warm, pee, oh there's a third, A big Martini. STAT. But they needed to get in there. They needed it so bad, they wanted so badly to be able to let everybody know that they were there. And who was there, who walked in, who walked out. BLAH BLAH BLAH

And then, by a miracle from the gods, two and a half hours later we get in. Our waiter was amazing, he got us set up in no time. The food, Divine, Atmosphere, it's downtown Nyc, it's been there for ages, looked very worn in and antique. But the CELEBS lol, whatever.........

HRH

                                    THE BRIDGE

                                              FIN

It's been me experience as a Transgendered Woman that most of the men that I meet are "STRAIGHT" so to speak. I'm mean it becomes kinda of a mind fuck because the lines of sexuality have been blurred. Men are okay being with a trans woman that hasn't fully transitioned but won't be with a man, because they aren't gay. I know, it's a worm hole.

So after month of doing dinners and sleep overs, Taking long walks, while holding hands, perspectively we were dating and we were together. I whole heartily knew that wee weren't exclusive but in the first month that we were posing as dating, he had a rendezvous after a party that we went to. Seeing the signs early on I left and he didn't even notice or cared. At that point I had a decision to make. Should I end this thing or should I just be Blasé about it see where this facade will go. Of course you're staying the right choice is to turn and just leave. But I was already full on in so I decided that I would just stay and see how it plays out. 

As the days, weeks and months went on and I had fallen really deep for this guy. One night while we were getting together for our weekly date night, as we were walking towards our first stop of the night I reached over and grabbed his hand. It was the most uncomfortable moment I have ever felt from him. And right there I knew since that night after the party, where went home with that guy he was full on having a relationship with that guy. And at that moment I knew that I had been his beard, lampshade and for all intensive purposes I had been his Bridge.

His gateway from his straight side to his gay side. Yes, he was BI, yes he liked both men and women, yes, yes and yes. But as I wrote at the beginning, I fully never really believe in that term. And he wasn't the first that the ever crossed my path and as fucked up as it is, he probably won't be the last.

When I think about that time, about all the things that I could've done how I could of saved myself from heart break, because it did break my heart, not in two pieces, it was shattered in millions of pieces. You ask me why did I not walk away all those months ago. Well, I'll tell you why I let this happen to me after knowing the outcome.

I needed to see the truth of the world. I needed to see that you never know anyone fully, no matter how long or short your time has been together. So the fact that this journey was about a lesson, something that I needed to go through to move forward with my life. And I did learn a that lesson, it was a really hard one to go through.

I imagined that when he left me for the other person, that we were standing at the edge of a the Brooklyn bridge looking at Manhattan, standing there, not looking at each other, the breeze was cool when it hit my face, blew my hair wildly into my wet face from the tears that were rolling down my cheeks and got stuck there. I said as softly as I could, I am no longer your beard or lampshade. I am no longer your BRIDGE, 

HRH

                                       The Bridge    

Our first meeting came the following week. We decided to meet after work and have dinner , drinks etc.  There was no real plan, I guess we had been hanging out with so many people for the last few months that we really weren't sure what we were like with just the two of us. So he showed up. like he said he would, I thought okay cool, he didn't ghost me out. Funny enough it was like a first date so to speak. We awkwardly hugged hello, stood there kinda stiff with these forced smiles on our face, until I broke the silence and suggested we go someplace for appetizers and drinks, which started a tradition that lasted until things ended. Having apps at one place, having dinner at another place, then going to a desert place to grab an array of sweets and finally going back to my place to sit and have tea and the cornucopia of deserts.

Once we were finished at our first stop we decided we take a walk and pick a place where we would do dinner. On that walk I said while we were at it I'd like to stop and get a mutual friend of ours a birthday gift. He thought It was a great idea and thought he would do the same. I already had in mind what I wanted to get them so it was just HE  that needed to decide or figure out what he wanted to get them.  He was so focused on getting that gift, so focussed it being a good one that I got a little suspicious. And somehow it turned out that he bought the gift that I was intending to get them and now I needed to think of something else for my gift.

We ended up walking around the city well over an hour, gifts in hand, we decided to just go back to my place and order pizza. Then we had the Talk. He told me all about his life and I told him all about mine, we talked about what our next steps would be or look like and it seemed that we were on the same page as far as us taking that next step and start dating. And so it seemed.

During our talk about or lives, he confessed that he was BI. Now I'm not against that at all and I believe that a person can be BI, I just don't believe that everyone can BE BI because in my experience it also can mean that you are on the fence about your sexuality and if that is in fact the issue then I'm going to loose in this game.

So after we were done with the pizza and we continued exploring our likes and dislikes, religion, the future, the ending of the world and so on. He leaned over and kissed me. And at that moment, I think that I knew, this was going to be a rollercoaster of a ride. Because I'm not fully onboard with the notion that he was actually interested in me. Yes he made a the move to kiss me, but the kiss didn't feel like he really wanted to kiss me.  So I'm sure that my reaction wasn't what he expected and even more so I just said thank you, that was very sweet of you. He got his things together and left.

 HRH