At this time in my life, when I look in the mirror I still see a very naive in the way I’ve been navigating my life.

     Partly because of that was the fact that my parents were nonexistent to a certain point. They taught me at a very young age how to care for myself, clean, laundry, iron, cook, dress myself and get ready for school. 

     I know, it seems like I could be exaggerating and I wish that I was, but sadly I’m not. By the time I turned seven years old I was pretty much doing things on my own, And my parents expected those things to be done on the regular.

     Although those skills did turn out to be worth it as I got older and eventually move out on my own. It put me in a place where I didn’t mature like other kids did and the way my friends had structured their lives, in which I had no one helping or rather guiding me through those years where I needed to get prepared for adulthood and the world.

      I know, I hear what you’re saying. Why didn’t I take the initiative to do it on my own. I don’t know really, I think it was because I was too busy dealing with who I was and just navigating my life at this really young age that I never thought about the future  or A future. 

      As time went on my family and I were literally living very separated lives. My father traveled with his job often and we went along at times moving from country to country, My mother basically did mommy things but really mostly did her own thing which not sure what that was, My brother did the same as I did, but he was much better at structuring his life than I was.

     So here I am, a very knowledgeable person of the world as far as traveling and moving through space but so naive about actual LIFE, life lessons etc. I still have a childlike view of the world. I still believe that the people that come into my life as fate, believe that there’s reasons for way things come and go, I think it’s special when a lady bug lands on me and that stopping to chat with a butterfly isn’t coo coo but I’m sure whoever is witness to that will think differently.

     And I believe in the magic, sending my thoughts to the universe and I believe that we are all covered in stardust. If you think about it we are.

     As I sit here thinking about the way my life has come to be and where I am today. I am proud that I made it this far. I got really lucky with the people who chose me to be apart of their lives. And I know they think all those things about me, running around barefooted, looking out the windows for hours but in the end they helped me to navigate my life, I’m not too great about it but I’m so much better that I was.

     So you see, magic does exist, I believe that fate sent them my way to help me learn to navigate my life and grow into the person I am today. 

     Until then…..

     HRH

      

        

      

    Here’s the thing, you shouldn’t have to settle for less. I know I know, easier said than done. Buuuut is it?

     When you work really hard on yourself and you finally feel like you know who are or who you are becoming. Why should you change for anyone else or for that matter anything else in your life that you come across.

     It’s a hard and lonely road to stick your ethics because let’s face it, not everyone is going to get you. So you struggle to stay in your lane. Because everything and everyone is going to steer you to conform. It’s not the little things that are at stake, oh no, it’s the big ones.

     So why am I writing this today. Because I achieved that goal of sticking to who I am. And yes it’s a hard place to be, especially since I’m starting to realize that I’ve come to feel like I’m at that part of my life where there’s going to be only a handful of people that will get me. 

     So what’s the point of that you ask, well it’s better to have a few people get you than a whole lot of people who don’t and you’re left standing there in the middle of a party with a drink in hand alone. 

     Back to the original thought of today. This also includes who you choose to be your partner. The perfect ride of die, the one that’s going like who you are and doesn’t want to change that, but to be apart of it, all of it.

     You want him to give you that type of love  right? You know what type of love I mean, right? I don’t think that you do.

      Well it’s that hold you tight, can’t sleep at night, lose your appetite kind of love, love. So I’m going to stick to that. Be me no matter what comes and fight, hand to hand if I have to.

     You should too.

      Until then……..

        HRH

      

      

      My job decided to cut some of my hours at work again, they do this every year and they get stuck then end up giving them all back to me a few months later.

    Inevitability I end up having way to much time on my hands, which causes me to just sit on the sofa for hours of piddling, watching bad Hallmark movies that all have the same script with the same ending. Leading me to having these really bizarro food cravings and I do mean BIZARRO. 

     So I made a plan to pick one section of my apartment on those free days and clean it out and throw away anything that didn’t serve me anymore. This can be a very time consuming endeavor and depending on the area you picked it can also be an emotional one.

     Today was my desks turn. Piles of papers, bills, notices, letters, advertisements, you name it, it’s there. And if your anything like me, it’s always I’ll get to that Later or what the Italians say, DOMANI, which means tomorrow. For me domani means a few weeks or months later down the road. 

     In the midst of putting things in categories, what to file, what to keep and what to shred I found some rather sentimental photos that I guess at the time I didn’t have the heart to go through them and I realized why once I opened the envelope they were in.

     It was photos of a friend that wasn’t in my life anymore. We had a terrible falling out that caused us to never ever resolve the issue  what separated us, and so many years later they passed. 

     Walking away from that friendship really broke me, which became one of many big heart breaks. A broken heart that took a very long time to even come to terms with, which I don’t think I ever really came to terms with it or had the time to heal from it before the next big heart break to come around. And there were many more to come.

     It just becomes an emotional rollercoaster of healing, once you feel like you have come to terms with it and you start feeling like your in the world of the living, the next heart break is right there waiting for you. And you’re picking up the pieces and again.

     Whenever you get asked what kind of life you want and they ask you if you want “ a rollercoaster or a merry go round” pick the merry go round. You’ll thank me later for that.

Until Then

  HRH

     

     

      

    There he was, tall fare skinned red headed Spanish guy from Barcelona, much younger than I am. But age seemed not to be an issue for him.  However for me age sometimes comes into play. Not because I don't think that we could have a great time together or even have a meaningful relationship, but just the life experiences would be the determining factor in our success or in our demise. 

    The bright side is that he's in his mid forties, has a good job that pays very well and allows him an apartment in Nyc and in Barcelona.  A win win situation in many ways. One, we get a chance to have alone time and hang with friends. Two, we get to miss each other on the regular basis and each time we see one another it's like puppies seeing their master for the first time over and over again.  

    We are on our way to almost being a year into this tennis match of what I thought was a good partnership and of us making this great effort to hopefully becoming more than just two ships coming into port staying awhile and then heading back out to sea. All of which has changed and now we are here.

    So in August he decided to let his apartment go so he could save to buy a place here in Nyc, which has now caused a new barrier for us going forward. It's become this game of I'll see you in next month, then saying something came up with work so I'll have to postpone it a week. Then the week arrives and then it's a month, so now it's just become daily text messages, face time moments and endless I'll see you soon and I wish you were here and I miss you.

I suppose that it could end up being a great pairing but I've dated European men more times than I'd like to admit and once they go home and establish their home base there, most men don't come back. And making trips there is not the answer.

  So readers, I suppose there will be an update of what this will end up to be, but I will admit it might not end up like I'd like it to or perhaps the way you'd like.

  Until then,

   HRH

     It’s hard to believe that it’s been  a full year that I have written in this blog. I have however been writing pen to paper , I know old fashion, but never the less satisfying.. 

    So here I am revisiting my page and just letting things just happen, I obviously have many things to say and many things on my mind that need to get out, I also have many opinions especially on what’s going on in the world today and at this very moment.  But let’s just leave that for another time. 

    I want to write about what brought me here today, what inspired me to step away from the pen to paper thing and sit here and reach out to you. 

    It was passionately brought to my attention that I seem to lack the drive to get myself off my sofa and apply myself to one of my many hobbies or passions.  Sadly growing up I was to busy to “ HAVE “ a hobby, 

    With what you ask, well let’s see, besides dancing lessons, which included tap, ballet, and Jazz among other dance forms, there was Piano classes and Roller Figure Skating lessons.  All piled into one week. And I pretty much had that sort of schedule till my early thirties. So after I decided to retire from that world I spent the next years looking, searching for that passion. 

     I will definitely let you know when that happens. So until then, have a happy day!

    HRH 

I have many faces like everyone has, as well as many different kinds of emotions. The face of joy when I see you and the face of sadness when I see you walk away. Very pedestrian feelings nothing is different between me and you, except for how we use our emotions.  For instance, the gravity of each of the face expressions combined with our human emotions. 

For me that’s where I differ, mine are deeper and sometimes explosive. And of course you’re going to say so are mine and so are everybody’s else’s. But I see through all of that is going on and actually see the energy that I’m giving off. The colors and the rays that I’m expressing and  where it’s directed to and how it starts to affect that person that I’m looking at. 

And all of this is internal, therefore I’m not being overly “OUTRE” about it. I can enjoy the sheer experience of it.  Droíte? 

When I get to see you, I’m sending all of my energy to you and I’m watching how you take that in. At that moment I know how things are  going to go. Whether it’s good or bad, I will go on that journey even though I know the outcome. Why you say, well, we never know how that Journey will turn out and how that will affect us and what kind of change it will have on us. You may become and entirely different person. 

So when I see you I’m giving you everything I have, an honest sincere emotion. So you can choose to accept it or not, either way we are going on that journey together. 

Until then

HRH

 I sit here in my best friends and his husband's home looking out his deck windows on this very cold sunny day in Upstate New York. It warms my heart to know that almost 30 years ago this little man always talked about owning a home far away from the city life.  A place of peace to sit, have coffee and drink in what is there in front of us. And so here we are, all of us having coffee, chatting and not chatting, on our laptops listening to music and enjoying the moment. 

From the very beginning, the very moment that we met we seemed never to be away from one another, mostly on his part. He always included me in almost every aspect of his life, Made me apart of his it, included me on holidays with the current boyfriend, went out dancing with me most of the weekends and having endless conversations about anything and every thing.

 People would watch us and wonder what we could be possibly talking about for such a long periods of time. And to be honest I really don't know what most of our conversations were about, all I know is that they were, easy, fun, funny, sad and sometimes heated.

There was a part of his tough love side of things towards the way I ran my life, being unpractical, wild and very spur of the moment, with no real goal for the future so he thought. But I definitely was in search for a career that I could love and not just have a job. And his  life being a very very practical one, focused in what he wanted in life and  honestly that's why I'm here today writing from his home in upstate New York.

We never know where our lives are going to go, which direction the wind will take us, or coming to that preverbal fork in the road, the one that you choose could change things forever. And I have come to face many of those forks in my life but one mainstay has been my bestie, through thick and thin, heated and fun, laughing and crying and I wouldn't change a thing about it at all.

HRH

A  Mortal life has meaning

A immortal life is everlasting and is lesser for it............

I can't remember who said this or where I read it, I should have payed a bit more attention but I needed to write this down before it left my head.  Obviously it left an impression on me.  

So much is placed on living longer and stopping the aging process, which I can understand the reason for wanting to live for a long period of time or maybe even forever. 

But why would you want to. By this quote, A Mortal life has meaning, means to me that what you do in the span of time that we are given here on this earth is far more impactful, because we have a limited amount of time to achieve our personal best. We have no knowledge how long we truly have so we have to make the best of the time that we have. 

If you can maintain a healthy life and be able to care for yourself then I can see maybe living past one hundred, but what if you live past that age and you're bed ridden and you have everyone around you doing everything for you, imagine how exhausting that could be on your care takers. For me that is a selfish thing to have your love ones to go through or even the hired help. Of course if you live that long and you had no expectations of doing so then it's a different story.

Now if you're an IMMORTAL being, what's the point of achieving anything, all you have is time,  It seems glamorous I suppose, seeing the change in the world. technology getting more advanced could be thrilling. But then everyone you know and love dies continuously and you watch them get ill and wither away into nothingness. A rather sad existence would you say. And who is to say that you won't get old and wrinkly yourself, the odds of you staying young and beautiful are slim at best.

I for one have no desire to live forever, much less living past the age of 70. I find that this world tires me so much that I even have made a talisman so when the day comes that I finally get to leave this world that I will not reincarnate and come back to this world. I'm so good with that.

So I'm making my time here on earth mean something to me and holding all the nonsense away as far as I can keep it from setting me off on a different end game.

So if you're reading this and you have a choice to live forever or not, I'd like to know your feelings on the subject.

Looking forward to hearing from you.....

HRH

 Crossroads: 

I remember the day that I decided to move out of my parents home and leave California. It was Christmas Day,  a warm 80 degrees, Christmas music playing and they were spreading fake snow in Venice Beach so the kids could play in it. Something in my head just snapped and right there in a dramatic and spontaneous move I said I had it, I'm out, I'm moving to NYC.

It took about five months to get things together, money, packing and finding a place to live. All of which was no easy task since I was very naive when it came to normal everyday stuff, like life, bills, you name it, I was pretty green. I mean I had traveled all over the world with my parents, but that was in a bubble and not really in the real world.

When the day came that I was heading out on my big adventure, there was nothing but silence. It seemed like things were going in slow motion. There were no words being said, no one was looking at one another  and the city was particularly very quiet.  My Mother and Father both decided to take me to LAX, which unlike in the past only one of them would do, take me to the drop off point and screech out leaving this huge puff of smoke behind them and slowly losing sight of me in their rearview mirror.

This time they actually parked the car, walked in the airport with me to get me all settled and even walked to the gate with me, back then you could go to the gate. We all sat there, small talks were going on between my mother and father. While I was thinking about the adventure that I was going to start. The unknown which was very common occurrence in my life since we moved around a lot, was about to happen again. But this time it was on my own and there would be no one to bail me out, or help me navigate the rest of this journey.

They called my flight and we all just sat there looking at each other. My father would always wait to get in line at the very end, cause he hated to sit there waiting for everyone to get settled. So I did the same just sat there and waited till the end of the line appeared. 

We all stood up and I was about to say my goodbyes thinking that they would head out soon after that but they walked to the line with me. At this point I'm thinking the world is going to end because they had already surpassed the normal way that they react to most of my situations. So there were are in line slowly getting to the entrance of the plane.

As we get closer the gate to show my boarding pass and my father looks at me and asks, what kind of a life do you want to have, a rollercoaster or a merry go around? A line that had come up in a movie we all saw together a few weeks before. I smiled and said, well a rollercoaster of course. We all laughed and I was out.

Who knew that one question and my funny little answer would shape the next thirty four years of my life. So many highs, lows, up, downs and twist and turns, it never ever seemed to stop, even to this day. Because here I am again faced with not only a low in life and down for the moment, I am once again probably for the fifth or sixth time or even more for that matter, I've come to a crossroad..

I've lost count on how many times I reinvented myself, how many times I saved myself from total annihilation. Only to come up from the fire like the phoenix being reborn. But I fear this time it's going to be so much harder, that I might actually lose this battle.  

My journey is just beginning, yes I'm afraid, in shock of it all. I want to reach out to people, have a chat a coffee, I can afford a coffee, but it's interesting how much you find out ones true mettle is when you're down and out, broke or jobless, even when you get really ill. You find out who's really there for you. That list gets very, very , very short sad to say. But the one sure thing is that you will learn who you are in this journey and you will fight to rise like the phoenix and wake up a whole new you. 

HRH

He asked me to marry him for a green card and I said no. Him thinking since we had something a very long time ago I would just say yes and it would be that easy. Well it wasn’t and it isn’t.

A tiny back story to let you know where I’m coming from and most of all to let you know that I’m not so heartless as I seem to be. 

We have known each other for many years, we did many things together. He’s a photographer so I modeled for him many times and I did many videos and parties with him and it was such great time and I wouldn’t changed anything. 

Then this fateful night while were out a party we got bit blitzed, I loved being with him, we had such rock -n-roll times together. 

So I don’t know what it was that night about him, could of been the drinking and the way we were dancing together or the way he was making me laugh that I saw him differently. He was so much lighter and so so much happier.  

But as it goes, I decided it was time for me to head out and go home. I motioned him off the dance floor and said that I was going to go home, we kissed goodbye like we always have done in the past but this time it was electric, I felt this energy from my lips to tips of my toes and went right back again to my lips.

We pushed away and looked at each other kinda stunned at what just happened, eyes not really focused, felt like we both got  hit with a rock on the corner of our brow. I finally took a breath and started to leave. I think took about four steps max and I stopped and turned around and he was still there in the same place leaning against the banister with his head facing downward. I turned around and started walking back to him. 

I placed my feet right where he could see them , slowly he looked up to see me standing there, he smiled and without a single word I kissed him again. This time longer and deeper than before. Then I left a second time, for good.

We worked together in the east village in a cafe like all artist did in the day until they got their  big break so they can get out of that business.  I worked days and he managed the night shifts, so we barely ever worked together and we pretty much saw about 5 min max between shifts. 

I t had been a couple of days since we saw each other or even spoke but that was common for us so I didn’t put much stock into it. So when walked in for his shift he looked like he really wanted to chat. So I lingered a bit till he got his bearings and went up to him and said hi.

He didn’t hesitate, he blurted out, “We Can’t See Each Other”, I said okay, why? Well he said, we work together and it could get messy for us. How so I said, I’m mean we never work together and we probably spend less than five minutes saying hello goodbye in the same breath and I’m out.

Well, he was adamant about us not starting up something, so I said okay. I mean of course he got scared, had buyers remorse. Thought about the fact he couldn’t have sex with anyone else or maybe I wasn’t enough or maybe too much. To be fare I’ve had guys think I was too much, so of course I went there blaming myself for his reluctance to date me.

So in one big dust devil we started and it ended just that fast. We still hung out together for years after that and we still worked together and went out dancing, did crazy things that are only meant to be seen on the big screen or read about it in social media videos and a really good book someday.

So you see , coming at me all those years later, in a restaurant no less and blurting out let’s get married, which I think is cop out, who asks a girl in a fully loaded restaurant to marry them, you almost can’t say no, right! Well I didn’t say yes or no, but I did say that I would I  think about it. Ugh, I could feel everybody’s expressions of cringe and the wait staff taking back the bottle of champagne and us sitting there in silence. How do you start the night off like that now we have to sit there with all those eyes and eat. 

Who’s to know, If he was a bit more invested and maybe a little romantic I might of said yes. But honestly how homely would I’d be to get married just because of a green card.

HRH

INTERESTING

I know you’re watching me,I see you on my social media casually checking out my page.  I know that you have friends eye spying on me around town and getting back to you of how I look and who I’m with. 

I know you want to reach out but your tough guy persona would be compromised so you’re hunting me down hoping that I will make that first move. Showing me little glimpses of yourself to break me down.

I know it’s your quilt in knowing that you royally fucked up, you thought the grass was greener on the other side, which it was until it wasn’t and the grass died and became weeds.

I know you think about me and us. Just like you dream about me and us, Because I can feel it when you do and yes we are still connected, which is mostly your fault because you won’t just let us go and it’s partly my fault too and I accept that because I don’t have the courage to hurt you by telling you to go away. So you have to do it, walk away.

I know you won’t make the first move because if you do you will lose power over the situation and you know if you walk away I will never try to get back together with you again. If I do it then you’ll have the power and you’ll be able to torture me into coming back into your life.  Sorry you have to make that move, only then you will know what you truly want. Fight or Fly.

Until then….

HRH

I often write down a line or two when something inspires me to write sometime later .  But sometimes when I go back to read it I don’t remember the reason for the line. It’s a frustrating moment because I feel at that time it was important enough for me to remember it and now I can’t. 

This is the Line’YOUR’RE THE ONE THAT BROKE ME AND NOW I’M UNBREAKABLE’. 

I’m guessing that it was probably about my last big heart break,  because that one really really broke me. So much so that I went to great pains to shield myself from ever falling in love again. I know it sounds like a school girls first big love and her first big heart break, which you never really recover from that because it’s one of the deepest first intense loves you have. So Romeo and Juliet vibes.

But it could also have meant that I’ve become much stronger from that experience.  Maybe too strong or maybe just guarded to the point of no feelings for anyone any longer. Which kinda scares me because I don’t get gushy anymore, especially for this guy that I’m seeing right now. He’s a great guy, I like him well enough. I like hanging out with him, love having our little dates. We text often to each other. But I have to force myself to text him, because I really don’t think about him when we aren’t together and I don’t want him think that I’m not interested in him and we fizzle out, which makes me sad to think that I might hurt him because of lack of trust.

I did a good job in blocking myself off from some of my emotions , except when it comes to  mushy commercials or those ROM COMS that I refuse to watch anymore because  I’m become a blithering fool while watching it. 

So here I sit trying make out what prompted me to write this line down. And as much as I want to get out of my dark phase and start writing more positive, witty and funny moments of my life, there’s so much of my past that is so unresolved. And having this blog has helped so much in figuring that out.

Also because sometimes you block out a lot of those painful moments to protect yourself and when you start getting clarity images start popping up and you have this moment where your saying to yourself, oh wow that happened. And the pieces of that puzzle start coming together.

You may have many puzzles in the works, some completed and some not so much, but when you finished and completed one it’s a great feeling. 

So I may not remember what that line meant to me at that time, but I do know that I started another puzzle today.

HRH

 I recently had a chat with a 21 year old girl from the country of Georgia, for her age I find her very smart and level headed. As all girls of her age and of this current time we are in, she has the social media bug. She was explaining  to me that she’s not very  interested getting very drunk and crazed as her girlfriends do when they go out. She likes to stay level headed and doesn't love hangovers, which I replied no one does darling. 

She continued to tell me that in her country they have a music festival much like our COACHELLA there. So since she’s never really been drunk and done crazy drugs, she decided that she would at this festival. She snuck in a  vodka in a bottle of nail polish remover, UM really, what kind of security do they have over there. She continued to explain what ensued after  she had 16 shots, which became  a classic turn of events. Laughing, dancing, crying, getting lost and not knowing how she got home.The Rite of passage everyone goes through at some point of there life.

The best part of the story were the pics of her of how cute she looked before she went to the music festival and what she looked like afterwards. Well the long and the short of it, a muddy messy disheveled girl wearing a completely different outfit than she did when she left. 

Of course I couldn’t stop laughing, so she looked at me and asked if I have ever had a night like that. Well, um yes, I have.

Like her, I always needed to be in control of my surroundings, no matter how fucked up I would get, I always made sure that I was conscious enough to know when to call it, or hangout long enough to be able to head out on my own. Which meant that I never got to fully let myself go and enjoy the high.

Like her, I decided that I wanted to have one of those drunken blind moments to put in the books and I must say that I accomplished my goal.

I was an artist assistant way back on the 90’s, well I was more than a assistant, I was more of a muse, in the fact that I would inspire him to look deep into his soul and paint without any inhibitions. Anyhow getting to the point. The Artist that I was assisting was having his first opening and I was to be the host of the event,  So I decided that I would dress like a Modern Geisha, I wore this wooden 5in. shoes with a Japanese crimped skirt and a beautiful tight blouse to match with the skirt. 

My one rule that I have when I host a party or in this case an opening I do not drink until midnight. Keeps me focused on the event and able to chat with perspective buyers etc… 

The night was going fantastically, people were buying and the party was in my opinion off the fucking hook, so I started having drinks a bit early because at that point the party was well on it’s own.

The opening ended  on a high note so about 12 of us went out after to have dinner and celebrate our success and of course I really don’t remember much about dinner, only that afterwards everyone left me alone and the last thing I remember was my friend saying for me take a cab and not walk home. Yeah that never happened.

As I stood there in front of  Chelsea Hotel and watched everyone leave I decided  that I would walk home across my favorite street in Chelsea. Of course it was the biggest mistake and thus began the night Of A Thousand falls.

I was going to stay at a friends apt on 24th street between 8th and 9th ave. which is’t really that far from the Chelsea Hotel which is on 23rd street between 7th and 8th ave. So I watched the last of my friends leave, with my eyes crossed and my shoes feeling like bricks, which were actually wooden blocks on my feet. I was on my way.

I decided that I wanted to walk across 22nd street because It’s one of my favorite streets in Chelsea, cute, full of trees, quite, lovely Brownstones and it was a beautiful street to say the least. Well everything was going just fine until I turned on 22nd, I had my first fall into what I think were a bunch of bushes. not sure how I got up from that but I did. 

Then there was the crash into a light pole, a flower bed around the trees, onto  the stairs leading to someone’s house, I think I crashed into a parked car, ended up in someone’s courtyard, luckily no one saw me when that happened and all of  this happened between 8th and 9th ave.

Then I turned right to head to 24th street and somehow I couldn’t manage being on my shoes any longer and I crashed into a young tree and just slithered down and landed in the flower bed and just sat there looking up into the bright moonlit sky. Then out of nowhere this dark figure was standing above me and I heard HRH what are you doing down there! I looked up there he stood complete dark shadow with a golden aura around him like an angel, what can I say , the drugs were good and he did look like an angel.

I said that I was going to my friends apt on 24th street, he helped me up and said he would take there. See he was an angel.

I woke up the next morning of course barely remembering the night before, I did however have a few bruises with a good amount aces and pains. And when I saw the state of my shoes, I can fully understand why my body felt the way it did, there were entirely barely no straps on my shoes to keep them on my feet, thus the reason for  the night of a thousand falls.

HRH

The Price Of Age

I was never considered a great beauty, especially when I was a child. Being of mix breed didn’t go well for me as it did for other members of my family, I was very awkward growing up like a puppy with big ears and long limbs with floppy hands and feet.  

Then summer came and I went from a hideous little half breed native Indian girl to a tall long legged amazon in a blink of an eye, I still wasn’t a beauty to behold but I had the body and legs that the boys acknowledged and they came and in full force, almost like they could smell it.

My Parents were so confused as to what was happening, and honestly I was just as flabbergasted as they were.  And that was the beginning of a crazy journey that literally lasted till I was in my fifties.

As I said I was never considered a beauty by any standards, no one ever said I was pretty of beautiful, but I did get things like “ you look great” or ‘you look sexy’ and as one friend said to me in one drunken night, you always had a great style. 

As time went on I started to acquire lovers, boyfriends or became a paramour, I was a paramour more often than not. I had something that enticed men, my witty banter, my gift of cooking and the fact that I could make any man feel like a king and was able to provide multiple ways of pleasure, in short I had  many skills.  

But as hard as I tried I never was able secure a partner that could fully become a partner. My ways, no matter how chill I was or open to spontaneity, loving, giving wasn’t enough. 

Then time finally caught up to me and the ravages of years of living the VIDA LOCA combined with many days, weeks, months of sadness and heartbreaks it took all I had left of that light I had and that inner beauty that I had possessed was gone and it finally went dim.

Now I’ve become a ghost walking on the streets of Manhattan, no one chats with you any longer. Sitting at bars men ignore you. If you’re having dinner alone they’ll ask if they can have your chair without even asking if you’re waiting for anyone. It’s actually laughable sometimes, because I sit and contemplate this point in my life, I can only think of how they may feel when that times comes for them. Probably not so great. Because even though I’m at this stage of my life and have come to terms with it. I’m loving my life more than ever.

I obviously could do and go anywhere I pleased. Clean or not clean my apt, wear clothes or not and I could stream endless amounts of shows on the tele but It’s just different now, calmer, settled I suppose, for lack of a better way to explain it. 

And as George Bernard Shaw said “YOUTH IS WASTED ON THE YOUNG”. 

HRH

 Where do I belong,

As a child I seemed to be ahead of the times, my thoughts of who I was was a very strong in my body and because of that it caused loads of problems for my family and me, problems that I couldn’t fix because I was a child.

At 15 I had my palm read and was told that I chose my parents because I wanted to come into this world and not have a relationship w/ them, and it seemed that I didn’t.  

I suppose I chose them because I knew that they wouldn’t have been able to understand who I was and in turn my father was disgusted w/ me and my mother was always sad when she looked at me always uttering the words “what did we do wrong” and “what will people think of my son thinking that he’s a girl”, 

It was years of separation, crying, yelling there were never smiles around me except for a very few moments that I was able to feel like I had a family, but that never really lasted too long, 

So they years would go by and though I had some friends some lovers , they all in turn never understood the boy in a dress, so I ended  up alone, doing things alone and trying to find my way in the world alone.

At 21 I started taking myself out to really expensive dinners, I’d order the full course and slowly sit there and eat silently while the room would nonchalantly glance at me from time to time with these perplexed looks, I’m sure wondering what this child was doing here alone. 

So began the journey of spending many moments of self reflection, laying on my bed and just staring at the ceiling in deep contemplation, then I go back to that day of my palm reading and ask myself “why did I decide to reincarnate at the time that I did”, there must have been a reason for it, 

Did I miss calculate my entrance into  the world, too early too late, that’s a question that will probably never be able to be answered at least not in this life time.

So the never ending question still remains, WHERE DO I BELONG.

HRH

Every time you and I walked in the rain together we cleansed our aura’s. We were pure of heart as we walked the streets of NYC slowly walking hand in hand enjoying every wet moment while people all around us were running for cover. 

As much noise as the city can produce we could only hear the rain pounding on the pavement and the loud clasping of thunder and lightning above us. At times I acted strong and brave but inside when the weather got really intense I got the shivers, you felt my fear from the pounding of my heart while holding my hand, you brought me closer to you to assure me that I was safe. I can’t tell you how comforting that felt  and how warm and cozy you made me feel.

As the years went by and we walked not only in the rain but we walked the beautiful spring days and the hot summers and the nights that were breezy and. warm. We walked all around central park, the west side highway, all without a thought, just walked.

I miss those days, I miss those rainy walking days, the sunny ones as well as those cozy breezy nights. I miss feeling your heartbeat in my hand and  you pulling me close to you to make me feel safe and feeling your breath in my ear. 

I miss how I felt in the rain with you, it was magical and free. People around us never understood the reason for it, they didn’t understand why it made us smile and why we looked happy getting wet as we walked the streets of New York city.

As the rain finally ended and the Sunset into the night, so too did our bond, never to recover, never to  feel the drops on our smiling faces or feel our hearts beating in our hands

HRH

 The day that I lost you, I knew that I was going to be broken and mangled for years to come

I cried so deeply that I couldn’t find my breath, it hurt my face my eyes and at that moment my heart left me, I thought this is the end of me ever loving again or trusting anyone.

There I laid on the sofa in a puddle of despair, wrecked by someone who never cared or thought of more than just what he needed from me

Like a battery you took my energy and weakened me while you got stronger.

I lost so much that day, I lost who I was, I did things that I thought that I would never do and I let someone that really wasn’t in the same universe as me make  me small. That’s the one thing that I will never let anyone else do to me again.

But losing you was the best part of it all, funny enough, because now that I’m free, other doors and windows have opened up to me.

Funny how that happens, once I decided I no longer wanted you in my life , I became a swan.

And honestly you’re the one that lost in the end.Because I know that you still think about me, wonder about me and secretly you wish us back together.

You know that will never happen, right?

I’d sooner eat my left hand than have you ever touch me again, never do I want your lips near mine or hear your heartbeat in my ear and feel your chest rise and fall while you breath.

But at least you have me both ways now, you were in my heart because I loved you and now you’re always in my head because I will never forget how we ended.

HRH

WHEN I WAS A DANCER

I  had a birthday last week and of course as one does during that auspicious day is to reflect, at least as you get older, when you're younger It's all about the parties and presents and ultimately drinking and getting as drunk as you possibly can. 

Reflection seems to start at the age of 50, when that day comes it's all about where you've been and where you are at that time and where do you go from here. 

I however been doing this Reflection since the age of 13, My mind was always about the future and because of that I was always a bit fearful of that. But as time went on and I was getting older and I hope wiser, I was able to start seeing things as an adult and also was be able to give advise to the younger people around me and my friends. And in my little circle of friends, even though we were around the same ages give or take 10yrs or more, I had been a dancer for 30yrs when I retired at the age of 33 years old.

So of course all my life experiences stem from that space and time period.  From the age of 3 to 33 was all about dance and music, because my mother also had me take piano lessons. So I was a very busy kid. But I digress. I didn't have school dance's or Prom's, normal friends or even a normal life. I lived in this realm of fantasy, dress up and being a dancer was very important to me because it made me feel  as if I was somebody and I had a purpose in life. 

All my life experiences came from that, my first kiss, the first time I had sex, the first boyfriend, all my firsts were experienced then.  

So whenever I gave advise or wanted to give to someone inspiration for their journey thru life, It all came from that core space.

So the running Joke from all my friends is that when I begin to give advise or explain my life I always start out "WHEN I WAS A DANCER". LOL

 I never knew I did that but after a bit I would catch myself starting out that way. So now I have a different passion and I'm having different experiences. So hopefully I can give advise on a different Plain to those that ask for it or just simply give because I'm at that age where even if you don't ask I'm going to give it.

HRH

Growing up my parents had no idea how to deal with me, I was different , I was gay and they were deeply religious and hateful about that. They cared more about what people thought about them than the hard life I had ahead of me. As time went by and I got a bit older, it seemed I wasn't gay, but turned out to be a Transgendered little girl. And I'm not sure what possessed me to start dressing like one at two years old but I did and the rest is written in history. 

Then it was easy to hate me, be yelled at, shunned by all people around me, even in my own family. So as fate would have it, my mother, who was by far strange in her thoughts of me put me in ballet classes after a doctor diagnosed me as having an equilibrium problem. There I buried myself in dance, made it my escape from the turmoil of all the eyes of hate upon me. 

In that world of dance I felt safe, but as life would have it outside that world it made it harder. As I got older danced change my body, by the age of 10 I had a strong muscly figure, boys started to notice and at that time I looked and acted like a girl that when they found out I wasn't a girl so to speak that turned them on me.

All that hate that spanned almost 60 yrs. made me stronger, made me push through my life and by that I survived. It hasn't become any easier, well there was a moment that things  were starting to be good for the LGBTQ community until the Trump era came about and the MAGA people put a target on all our backs because they as a party have no agenda but hate. So the battle is on. But I digress this is issue is for another post sometime in the near future.

With all that said and written in black on white brings me to this time in space. That no matter how far I've come there are still people sho want to take me down. Hate that I get to work on time, earlier than I'm suppose to sometime, hate that my clients like me and that I actually care about them and that is a threat to them.

As I wrote before, the battle is on, which I'm going to lose because it's easy to get people to rally against me because of who I am, what I represent, which is courage, strength and to preservere in the face of all the obstacles that placed in from of me.

HRH

                                STAR FUCKER

The first time I met a "CELEBRITY" I was about 7 years old. Of course at the time I didn't know what it meant to be famous and I'm not sure the word celebrity was even a thing back then. The second time I was much older, around 17yrs old or so. Of course I was in awe, and for the most part he was very sweet, charismatic man with a great smile. I gushed to my parents and family members about the meeting, but they were so unimpressed by it, which confused me to the point of deep reflection.

Why were they so Blasé about it. My parents were by no stretch of the word mingled in that crowd that I knew of. We did travel loads in, out and all about the world. Many countries, states and cities. I knew that they had these dinner amazing dinner parties that included people that were brilliant engineers, poets, Generals diplomats etc. No Celebs, I guess in that world they were.

A few years later, I was performing a segment for a very popular Soap Opera, I was to be dancing at this outside amphitheater, while they actors were to be running from thugs or outlaws, can't remember the reason or episode really. Anyhow, mingling with these actors back stage, making small talk, some even flirting and trying get me to go out with them, I realized then, that these "CELEBRITIES" were no more than a bunch of no class, no manners, people that we just very hot sexy people that weren't very good at their craft. So lack for a better example, very normal people that I wouldn't want to possibly want to hangout with in real time.

Which brings me to my night in SOHO Nyc, Where people love to stand in line for the most silliest of things you can think of. In the heat, in the winter, they love it. Although I'm almost certain that it isn't New Yorkers that are standing in these lines as much as the tourist and ex pats from the west and across the pond or the bowels of middle America. 

Here we are, in line at a downtown "CELEB" hangout. Where everybody wants to be in the midst of these people that have no real redeemable reason to be alive other than the fact they are famous for, yeah for whatever. So, here we are, in line, watching as celeb after celeb come to the door, flash the Garcòn their secret email and they get let in. While loads of people just stand there hoping and wishing they get the chance to be let in this restaurant where all the famous people sit and eat. UGH

I am so not a STAR FUCKER, I'm not a line stander, and I can really care less who's in the room and I really don't want to see Celebs eating and watching us watching them, SO THIRSTY. So Dehydrated to be seen. 

But their I was, standing in line the rest of the people and I so wanted to leave and I tried with every fiber of my soul to get my dinner party and my date to go elsewhere, because I really needed two things, get warm, pee, oh there's a third, A big Martini. STAT. But they needed to get in there. They needed it so bad, they wanted so badly to be able to let everybody know that they were there. And who was there, who walked in, who walked out. BLAH BLAH BLAH

And then, by a miracle from the gods, two and a half hours later we get in. Our waiter was amazing, he got us set up in no time. The food, Divine, Atmosphere, it's downtown Nyc, it's been there for ages, looked very worn in and antique. But the CELEBS lol, whatever.........

HRH